As a Life Coach and enthusiastic student of Psychology, I've encountered various challenges in my practice. One particularly poignant case involves coaching a couple ensnared in conflicts of values. Despite numerous sessions, they continue to hold onto their egos, resembling two opposing teams. This dynamic, fueled by their respective mothers and extended families, exacerbates their insecurities and impedes their compatibility. Through this blog post, I hope to send a positively impacting message to this couple and others facing similar issues, emphasising the importance of focusing on the bigger picture and remaining true to their expectations and accountability.
In our sessions, it became evident that the couple's issues stemmed not from significant incompatibilities but from deeply entrenched egos and family influences. Both partners habitually interpreted each other's behaviours as intentional slights, feeding their insecurities and reinforcing a divisive "us versus them" mentality.
Their families, particularly their mothers, played a pivotal role in perpetuating this dynamic. It was like each partner had their own cheerleaders, further deepening the divide and making reconciliation even more challenging. These conflicts weren’t about major differences but about clashing values and the echoes of their upbringing.
To help them understand their situation, I introduced the metaphor of two opposing teams. It was like they were always playing a game against each other, trying to "win" rather than work together. This metaphor helped them see how they were unintentionally sabotaging their relationship.
I emphasised that in a healthy relationship, both partners are on the same team, working towards common goals. Each partner has different roles and strengths, but the ultimate aim is mutual growth and happiness. By reframing their conflicts in terms of teamwork rather than opposition, I encouraged them to view disagreements as opportunities for collaboration rather than battles to be won.
Our primary goal in relationship coaching was to ensure both partners felt heard, seen, understood, respected, and safe with each other. This involved several key strategies: teaching the couple to practise active listening, where they truly hear and acknowledge each other's perspectives without immediate judgement or defensiveness. Encouraging them to empathise with each other's experiences and emotions, fostering a deeper understanding and connection. And highlighting the importance of respecting each other's differences and finding common ground where their values align.
One crucial message I aimed to convey was the importance of focusing on the bigger picture. In the heat of everyday conflicts, it's easy to lose sight of the larger goals and values that initially brought them together. Reminding them of their shared goals and values helped them see beyond trivial issues and petty arguments. This perspective shift was vital in rebuilding their connection and commitment to each other.
Remember, relationships are not about winning or losing. They are about growing together, supporting each other, and navigating life's challenges as a team. Holding onto egos and focusing on trivial conflicts only serves to divide and weaken the bond you share.
Open and honest communication is the cornerstone of a healthy relationship. Make an effort to understand your partner's perspective and express your own feelings clearly. View your relationship as a partnership where both of you have different strengths and roles but share the same ultimate goal: a happy, fulfilling life together. And if conflicts persist, don't hesitate to seek help from a coach or therapist. Sometimes, an external perspective can provide the clarity and guidance needed to overcome obstacles.
Two Essential Self-Realisation Questions
To anyone feeling stuck in a similar situation, here are two essential self-realization questions to ponder:
"Am I truly listening to understand my partner, or am I listening to defend my point of view?"
This question encourages you to reflect on your listening habits and whether you are open to understanding your partner’s perspective or just preparing to counter-argue.
"What am I holding onto that is preventing us from moving forward together?"
This question helps you identify any ego, past grievances, or unrealistic expectations that might be hindering your relationship's progress.
The journey to a fulfilling relationship starts with understanding and empathy. Let’s work together to build stronger, healthier connections.
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