Parenting is a role that adults play, guiding and nurturing their children. It’s called parenting for a reason; otherwise, it would be called "childing." As Dr. Shefali explains in Conscious Parenting, many parents have a structured agenda: wake the kids up, feed them healthy meals, ensure they complete their tasks, and put them to bed with the satisfaction of hearing "I love you, Mom" or "I love you, Dad." This plan assumes that children will always comply with their parents' expectations. But what happens when children express their own feelings and preferences?
The moment a child resists or has a different opinion, parents often feel powerless or irritated. Disappointment creeps in, and the child's desire to choose differently can feel like a personal affront. Many parents experience embarrassment and shame when their child doesn’t behave “properly,” feeling as though they have failed to control their own child. This shame is deeply tied to self-worth, with thoughts like "I cannot even control my own child" spiraling into feelings of inadequacy.
Parents may then label their child as "bad," "disobedient," or "disrespectful" in an attempt to reassert control. Yet children, being naturally forgiving and resilient, often let go of these hurts—until they grow up. As adults, they might struggle with the same issues of control and shame they experienced in their own childhood.
Reflecting on my own experience, I recall a particularly painful moment after a Parent Teacher Meeting where I found myself crying in the car. The teachers had attributed my son’s behavior to me being a single parent, using his actions as a moral compass to judge my parenting abilities. Now, looking back, I can see how misguided that judgment was. The pressure on parents to present an ideal child—one who excels academically, is talented, disciplined, and obedient—is immense.
But do teachers really mean to pass such judgments? Or is it a way to shift responsibility for the child’s behavior onto the parents? Teachers often label children as “bad,” “naughty,” “mischievous,” or “attention-seeking,” holding parents accountable for behaviors they feel they cannot influence or manage. The fragile ego of a parent, when confronted with their child’s natural curiosity and behavior, often becomes a barrier to effective parenting.
Parents quickly take pride in their children’s successes, viewing them as a testament to their parenting skills. However, the real issue—the elephant in the room—is the ego associated with parenting and how it often becomes more about the parents themselves than the child’s well-being.
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